From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jazz, not to be confused with jizz, is a thick stream of sound that is produced by blowing on long tube-shaped things. It is often described as being white in color and is full of essential protein. Jazz is also not to be confused with scat, which while similar, is produced by vocal ejaculations and/or the movement of bowels.
Etymology
During a specially boring F.O.C.K concert, the stagehand fell asleep. It is told, that his supervisor used to clap sharply in his hands, to speed him up, whenever he was working slow. So after the concert has ended, the roaring applause woke him up. +
He was blinded by the stage lights and put on some sunglasses, lit his cigarette, and shuffled on stage to carry away the instruments after the show. However another stage worker tried to hold him back. This caused him to stumble and fall into the drumset. The collapsing drumset hit a few saxophone players, who accidentally blew into their instruments.
When the initial shock subsided and everybody calmed down again, the stagehand (still under the collapsed drums) realised his mistake and exclaimed "Je'azz" (French for "I'm such a (dumb-)ass").
The audience was excited about this final coup de grâce, because the concert bored them stiff too, and frenetically applauded while chanting "Je'azz! Je'azz!"
The F.O.C.K decided to leave classical music behind and concentrate on the new-born sound of "Je'azz", and renamed itself to "Jeazz Instûmentalouè Sociête Savòyáble" (J.I.S.S). During the time, the silent "e" in Jeazz was removed, because all musicians are lazy, and didn't want to write something, that wasn't heard anyway and wasn't as cool as two ZZ's in a row.
The History of Jazz
Contrary to popular belief, jazz was not invented by Albert Einstein. It was invented by yo momma. Yes, you, the current reader. Jazz was invented by your mother, in the year 1144 BC. Your mom and Justin Timberlake got together to form a band, the band, of course, was The Fetus Underbelly Cool Kortet. Or F. U. C. K., for short. They got their big break when Buddha let them play at his club, The Thereavada Hole. Early forms of jazz adhered to a strict set of forms; the modal minor, the dischordant half-eighth, the squirrel, the Apex and the angry haircut. These styles were subjected to some degree of scorn and derision by newcomers who rejected the old chord structures in favour of wandering around Paris smacked out of their heads, losing their trilbies and making a terrible mess of their waistcoats with soft cheese; none the less, such notables as Cyril "The Trumpet Player" Barnsley and "Hot Wee-Wee" Jefferson "The Cystitis Kid", managed to chuck out all manner of abrasive noise in the name of art until they were arrested, tried and hanged in April 1969. It was in honour of this event that President Richard "Bart Simpson" Nixon chose to outlaw art and culture of all forms in the USA. Your mother played the soprano pikel-o,and Justin Timberlake played the triangle. And the rest, as they say, is history. In short, they got well known for their song, "I have a squirrel in my butt". Here are some reviews: +
"It really resonates with me," Colonel Sanders "The triangle player's pan-rhythimiko-psycodelic-atonality is very meditative," Billy Graham
Despite early setbacks, jazz went on to become the second most complicated music to emerge from the United States, falling just short of progressive orchestral post-synth-punk. Unfortunately this means no one understands jazz except white liberals, black conservatives, Stephen Hawking, and pretentious 30 year old scenesters.
[edit] Famous Jazz Musicians
- Louis Armstrong. Famous for being the daughter of Neil Armstrong, and for having constipation issues while onstage.
- Herbie HanCOCK. Need i say more?
- Miles Davis. He went to sea-sea-sea to see what he could see-see-see. There were no survivors.
- J.J. Johnson. Played the large instrument known as the TromBONER. Often considered to be compensating for something
- Kintaro Sakata
Jazz Today
Jazz is hiding in a cave disguised as three different caves. Whenever anyone has attempted to contact Jazz it has responded with a boring, "Your mom". It is said that Jazz will emerge again once it realizes that the shadow on the cave wall is its own. Bill Cosby once tried to communicate with Jazz, because he knew what the jazz was all about, ya see. The conversation was going smoothly until Cosby proclaimed that Jazz was analogous to Kodak film, Jello Pudding Pops, and the New Coke, causing the understandably-confused Jazz to retreat back to the cave.
Jazz and Excrement
It is common knowledge that jazz is often used as a slang term to represent poop. Sayings such as "all that jazz," "it's what the jazz is all about," "that's good enough for jazz," and "jazz it up!" (not to be confused with 'Chazz it up') can be offered as proof of this. Also, say "jazz" RIGHT NOW. Doesn't it sound like a real bad case of the runs? Green, runny, jazzy...
